So, I think I may have just opened up my soul to you. I just hope this helps someone in someway.
I still remember sitting on the edge of the wall three stories up and wondering, "If I was to fall, would anyone notice? Would the pain finally go away?" I crept closer and closer to the edge. Then one of my friends came up behind me and told me to come back to the party. Not sure what would have happened if they hadn't come looking for me. Honestly, I can't believe I am even sharing any of this. I know you see this perfect person who is incredibly happy, but that doesn't mean that it didn't take me one hell of a journey to get there. I want to do this to give hope to others. If there is anything I have learned from this life, it is that hope is a very powerful thing. I am not trying to be your therapist or tell you I know all the answers, but maybe by hearing some of my story you can see that you can make it through. Life will test you and break you and leave you with nothing left sometimes, but it doesn't mean you won't end up being happy.
Someone commented on the pic I posted about doing this blog post saying, "What is the hardest part of your life that got you to here?" Well, damn. Way to hit me right in the soul and rethink my life. Life has definitely thrown me some unfortunate curve balls, but the hardest part of my life had to be at 19 or 20. I guess the only way to tell you the story is to start at the beginning.
After graduating high school, I immediately went to college like every newly independent young adult is supposed to do. I found freedom and responsibility that was amazing. Not too long into my college career, I met a young man that swept me off my feet. A year into our relationship he proposed. We were young and in love. We were married in 2008. I bet you didn't see that coming? Maybe I am just getting older or maybe the shit your parents say to you is actually true, but don't get married young. If you plan on being together forever, wait a few years. It is just a piece of paper in the end.
Anyway, we had both run out of money for college so he decided to join the navy. He set off for bootcamp for three months. I can't even tell you how alone I felt. I was a newly wed and just wanted to run off into the sunset together, but it just doesn't always work out like that. Instead, I ended up going out with friends all the time. One night when I was out, I was raped. I have never felt so completely and utterly empty as if my soul had left my body. My hands didn't stop shaking for weeks. I did everything I was supposed to do, I went to the cops and got a lawyer.
There are probably still people out there don't believe me, just like the cops ended up doing. Despite physical evidence, they said there wasn't enough to prosecute. It is amazing to me how vivid that memory is when I got the phone call stating they were dropping the charges. Oh, and I forget to mention, by this time we had been shipped off to South Carolina where I had no friends or family. Depression cut through what little of my heart I had left. It stole years from me. My mind and my relationship were crumbling at a pace I could have never expected. I would spend hours of the day just looking at the TV, not even really watching it. Hours spent avoiding anything and every one.
Needless to say, the relationship was done. I packed up and moved out to LA thinking a change of scenery would make things better. I had always wanted to be in LA since modeling was my life. However, I got sucked up into the lifestyle and partied way more than I should have. Which leads us back to sitting on the wall, pushing closer and closer to the edge. My soul was still broken and I couldn't figure out how to put the pieces back together.
Then completely out of left field comes Scott. At the time, I didn't see the shield of amour and white horse he rode in on. I was too enamored with his looks. He literally fixed me. I can't really explain it, but he did. He loved me like the love you read about in fairy tales. He was my Romeo and I his Juliet.
I used to have nightmares all the time. I would wake up in cold sweats or end up staring at the ceiling unwilling to fall asleep. The peace he brought to our relationship southed my soul. Slowly but surely, they completely stopped. The insomnia stopped. It is amazing because at the time I wasn't looking for love. I was looking for a hot date not knowing what I had stumbled upon. Love has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. Hell, I was blindsided.
The truth of the matter is, depression can take hold of your life. It can have a grip so tight you think you will never escape, but you can. Find what it is that it taking away your soul. I removed the bad people in my life and the overall negativity. If you ever wonder why I am such a positive person, it is for survival. It is because life is positive. I am so incredibly grateful for each every second I get now. I don't let negative stuff take over me because I choose to live. I choose to fight. There are going to be many twists and turns on this roller coaster of life, but when you are at your lowest of lows the only way to go is up.
So, if there is anything I can leave with after this very long story, is to never let go of hope. Never let go of fighting for your life. You give the horrible things that happen to you the control when you stop fighting. You…can…be…happy. You just have to stay on the ride and see what happens.