Saturday, May 2, 2015

Bearing My Soul

So, I think I may have just opened up my soul to you. I just hope this helps someone in someway.

     I still remember sitting on the edge of the wall three stories up and wondering, "If I was to fall, would anyone notice? Would the pain finally go away?" I crept closer and closer to the edge. Then one of my friends came up behind me and told me to come back to the party. Not sure what would have happened if they hadn't come looking for me. Honestly, I can't believe I am even sharing any of this. I know you see this perfect person who is incredibly happy, but that doesn't mean that it didn't take me one hell of a journey to get there. I want to do this to give hope to others. If there is anything I have learned from this life, it is that hope is a very powerful thing. I am not trying to be your therapist or tell you I know all the answers, but maybe by hearing some of my story you can see that you can make it through. Life will test you and break you and leave you with nothing left sometimes, but it doesn't mean you won't end up being happy.
     Someone commented on the pic I posted about doing this blog post saying, "What is the hardest part of your life that got you to here?" Well, damn. Way to hit me right in the soul and rethink my life. Life has definitely thrown me some unfortunate curve balls, but the hardest part of my life had to be at 19 or 20. I guess the only way to tell you the story is to start at the beginning.
     After graduating high school, I immediately went to college like every newly independent young adult is supposed to do. I found freedom and responsibility that was amazing. Not too long into my college career, I met a young man that swept me off my feet. A year into our relationship he proposed. We were young and in love. We were married in 2008. I bet you didn't see that coming? Maybe I am just getting older or maybe the shit your parents say to you is actually true, but don't get married young. If you plan on being together forever, wait a few years. It is just a piece of paper in the end.
     Anyway, we had both run out of money for college so he decided to join the navy. He set off for bootcamp for three months. I can't even tell you how alone I felt. I was a newly wed and just wanted to run off into the sunset together, but it just doesn't always work out like that. Instead, I ended up going out with friends all the time. One night when I was out, I was raped. I have never felt so completely and utterly empty as if my soul had left my body. My hands didn't stop shaking for weeks. I did everything I was supposed to do, I went to the cops and got a lawyer.
     There are probably still people out there don't believe me, just like the cops ended up doing. Despite physical evidence, they said there wasn't enough to prosecute. It is amazing to me how vivid that memory is when I got the phone call stating they were dropping the charges. Oh, and I forget to mention, by this time we had been shipped off to South Carolina where I had no friends or family. Depression cut through what little of my heart I had left. It stole years from me. My mind and my relationship were crumbling at a pace I could have never expected. I would spend hours of the day just looking at the TV, not even really watching it. Hours spent avoiding anything and every one.
     Needless to say, the relationship was done. I packed up and moved out to LA thinking a change of scenery would make things better. I had always wanted to be in LA since modeling was my life. However, I got sucked up into the lifestyle and partied way more than I should have. Which leads us back to sitting on the wall, pushing closer and closer to the edge. My soul was still broken and I couldn't figure out how to put the pieces back together.
     Then completely out of left field comes Scott. At the time, I didn't see the shield of amour and white horse he rode in on. I was too enamored with his looks. He literally fixed me. I can't really explain it, but he did. He loved me like the love you read about in fairy tales. He was my Romeo and I his Juliet.
     I used to have nightmares all the time. I would wake up in cold sweats or end up staring at the ceiling unwilling to fall asleep. The peace he brought to our relationship southed my soul. Slowly but surely, they completely stopped. The insomnia stopped. It is amazing because at the time I wasn't looking for love. I was looking for a hot date not knowing what I had stumbled upon. Love has a way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. Hell, I was blindsided.
    The truth of the matter is, depression can take hold of your life. It can have a grip so tight you think you will never escape, but you can. Find what it is that it taking away your soul. I removed the bad people in my life and the overall negativity. If you ever wonder why I am such a positive person, it is for survival. It is because life is positive. I am so incredibly grateful for each every second I get now. I don't let negative stuff take over me because I choose to live. I choose to fight. There are going to be many twists and turns on this roller coaster of life, but when you are at your lowest of lows the only way to go is up.
     So, if there is anything I can leave with after this very long story, is to never let go of hope. Never let go of fighting for your life. You give the horrible things that happen to you the control when you stop fighting. You…can…be…happy. You just have to stay on the ride and see what happens.



  1. I am currently in my 20's struggling with the same thing. I left college a semester away from my nursing degree, knowing my grandmas death was caused by prolonged use of narcotics persribed by doctors and administered by nurses...I just couldn't do that anymore. I was also unhealthy in nursing school. Couldn't eat lost 30 pounds in 3 months. Now I sit here and cry every night so mad and upset. I hate living in Illinois and I want to be somewhere and make a name for myself I know that's what I'm ment to do but for now I am going to sit in bed. Watch tv and deal with my depression as it comes until I find a plan. Thank you for sharing this

  2. I went through a less dramatic but similar story. It takes a long time to admit anything is even wrong, it's hard to make the necessary changes, and it takes a long time to really recover. I'm happy now too (but it's taken 6-7 years to get here) also due in large part to an unexpected wonderful relationship. I'm so glad you shared! It's encouraging to hear others make it through some of the same struggles.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am currently in my early 20s and I haven't had depression this bad since high school. I fight through the daily battle and some days are better than others, but on the bad is when I just feel hopeless. I thank you so much for opening up about this because it opens up a place for others to go so they don't feel alone, whether they just read through, or comment, or have discussions. It is a brave thing for you to do, admitting these thoughts and it is something I am currently working through. You reminded me that it is all about the hope that it will get better, I will not always be like this, it is always darkest before the dawn, and to fight every day until we find the peace we are looking for. Seeing your happy posts will make me even happier too now that I know the journey it took for you to get there, and that it will always be an evolving one. ��

  4. I commend you so much for sharing. I'm 18 and have gone through something similar. When I was a young child, not more than a year old, my grandma heard me crying and screaming as my father bathed me. When she came to see why, I had my legs open in the tub and shut them when she noticed me. I don't remember much else from when I was a young child, but I do remember that when my mom moved out, my dad got much more sexual with me, and much more violent. A good day was when he left me alone to do the work of a 9 year old child and a mother to my then 3 year old sister. A bad day consisted of being emotionally abused and possibly molested. I distinctly remember a Saturday afternoon when my dad and I were watching a movie and he stuck his hand in my pants and underwear and grabbed my butt until the movie ended and I excused myself. He had done it in such a way that I couldn't move to make him let go. He finally moved away and I went to live with my mom full time instead of every other week. As you can imagine, I was an emotional wreck to say the least. Years of counciling did little to nothing to help the darkness in my head. At the beginning of high school, I found my "Scott". Scars this deep take a while to heal, and he has been with me all this time.
    As you have, I'll leave a bit of my soul here as well so that people will know that everything can be worked through. And in the end, when everything is put back together and you are well, you will be the happiest you've ever been. Truly, undeniably happy.
    Again darling, I thank you. Continue this happy road you have set upon and I wish you and Scott all the joy of this world

  5. Thank you for sharing this.

    I'm constantly worried about losing hope and not finding happiness enough. But I guess it's just the way things are right now for me.
    I feel really thankful for people like you. We need more positive people around.

    Wish you the best (:

  6. Thank you so much for sharing this. I was reading this casually at first, but when my eyes saw the word "raped", tears started flowing down my cheeks. I was't raped, I was abused as a child. I lived with that person for seven years. And when you are a child, you can't even realize what they are doing to you. You don't even know what the word sex meant. But what makes me feel the worst, is that when I realized what he was doing to me, it was too late. He was already molesting my sisters too. And sometimes I would have felt better when he left me alone to "play" with one of my sisters. Now those thoughts don't make me sleep at night. He was my aunt's fiancé, he abused me for seven years, from when I was 6 to my 13. And one day I suddenly realized it was not right. He kept it as a secret because no one should have known, not my parents, not his friends, anyone. But I wanted my parents to know. So I told them why I would always have an headache, why I always felt like I needed to puke. My dad took him away from my family. I confessed when I was 13, three years later I denounced him. It was not easy. I was scared. But they promised me I wouldn't see him. What a stupid promise, I always see him in my nightmares. But at least he would get what he deserved for sexually abusing three children or, who knows, maybe more. One year later, in my 17, the judge closed the case. No jail for him. I was broken. What kind of justice is this? Why did this happen to me? It was hard for me to denounce such thing, I was, and I am, just a teenager. But deep inside my heart it was a relief that, at least, he would go to jail. But somehow that was not what he deserved. That aunt he was in a relationship kept confessing against me, to "save" him and her reputation. Now I don't see him anymore, but I see her everyday.
    Even if all this happened, I think as myself as a lucky girl. When I was 15 I met someone who changed my life. Someone so sweet, and comprehensive. I thought, and sometimes still think, I don't deserve such luck. But since almost 4 years ago he has always been by my side, to remind me that justice doesn't work well in Italy, and that I have no fault, but mostly that he loves me. At first I was crying because of your words, because I was remembering what happened to me. Now I'm crying because of how happy I feel to be in love and to be loved. When I was 13 I would think about suicide at least once a day. I thought no one would ever love someone like me. Now I smile everytime I think of him.
    I'm telling every girl, and every boy out there, that you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. And you will be, trust me. Life will test you, life will hit you the hardest. But you are brave enough to fight back.
    Thank you Lauren for writing this. You are such an example for younger generations. And it was amazing of you to share this publicly. I feel ashamed because my story is not one good of an example to show how justice works, but burocracy and justice suck in Italy.
    Again, thank you. Never stop being positive about life. I wish you and Scott the best. And I want to say thank you to all the "Scott" in this world who help girls (and boys) like me, and like you, with their love.
    (I hope this was conprehensible. As you may have understood, english is not my first language, I tried my best.)

  7. I feel so sorry for you. Thank you for sharing. Glad to know you feel better today.

  8. I have even more respect for you for sharing this. I've always admired your positive attitude, but to know a portion of it comes from overcoming struggle and hurt is really admirable and relatable. I too have gone through my share of hardships and dark places, and at 25 I often choose happiness, but sometimes feel it's not always genuine.. But at least I'm trying. I still have a ways to go, but thank you for showing that it's possible to get there. Despite your past you radiate genuine happiness, and it's absolutely beautiful on you.


  9. First of all I'm not good at english but had to say, I admire yourself. No matter what you've been through you always fight for be a better person. There are a lot of people who live the same things but cannot be strong like you. Like you said, there's always hope. Wish i have a friend who strong as you. You always be yourself for no matter anyone else say. Time isn't worthless to trying to be someone who isnt really you. There is not many people left who have a great heart like yours. Take good care xoxo

  10. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing a piece of your soul and having the courage to say what I have feared to say for years. Thank you for giving others the strength to share their stories as well. I was raped when I was a sophomore in high school by someone I trusted. And I can completely understand the feeling of being an empty shell of a soul. Like you, my case was difficult to prosecute but fortunately he was charged with raping another girl (way younger than me) and got convicted of that crime. I found my "Scott" when I was 17, I am now 21 and I thank my lucky stars everyday for him. He caught me by surprise. He was everything I wasn’t looking for at the time but everything I needed and have ever wanted. I experienced my first true depression episode this past year when I found out my rapist would be released from prison. It has been the worst year I have ever had to endure in all my living. So much fear, helplessness, sadness, pain, anxiety, numbness, and darkness. Depression is a very serious thing and not something you can control. I had every reason to be happy yet everything seemed lackluster and exhausting. But I tell you what, I don't know how I'd be here and in the condition that I am without the unconditional love that my "Scott" gives me. You are completely right, there is always hope. Have hope. No matter how deep your scars are or how dark your past is, things will get better. Despite this past year being nearly impossible to go through, I was able to pass my classes and complete my junior year in college. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it this year and yet I did. I am still battling with my depression. There are good days and there are bad but there is something that I will always believe: there is always hope. And I have to believe there is more to this life than this.